Today... (pt 1)

... I was told that I had admitted to murder on my blog. Despite not being true, I'm now going to make it true.

Here is my admission to murder.

So I was walking down the streets this morning at 6:40 PM, when suddenly I saw pass a cottonwool cloud across the street. Then I thought to myself, "hey, I've never seen a cottonwool cloud before", so I crossed the street to go look at it. I did not cross the street at a crosswalk, I crossed in the middle of the street. And so a car hit me. And the car bounced off and flew over me, landing in a crumpled heap which then exploded. While not exactly murder, I did laugh at them afterwards, and as it turns out laughing at an exploded car with dead corpses in it at 6:41 PM in the morning is apparently a major felony in 76 of the 43 states. So 15 minutes later, I found myself in front of the Supreme Court. Don't ask me how I got there in fifteen minutes, all I know was I got lost and then found myself. And I was in front of the Supreme Court. So they said: "Hey, we're so high up in our wooden stand thingies that we have trouble seeing you. So you're off the hook this time." And I was like "Sweet!"

So I walked outside and found myself in a cardboard box labelled: "Caution: Keep Away From Fire. Highly Flammable." Or at least I assume this is what it said, since I can't read the outside of a box I'm in and when I lit a match to look around the whole thing exploded - away from me of course. I looked out and saw Cairo, but exploded from my exploding cardboard box. This brought me up to 7:05 PM in the morning.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Enjoyed your weekend, Internet?

I know I sure didn't.

15 hours of rehearsal for the fall play in 48 hours of living. Yeah. Not cool.

Re-Education: Religion (pt 1)

Re-education time children.

Firstly, what is re-education?

You may know this as propaganda, falsehood, or lies. Well, let me tell you something.

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS A LIE.

Re-education is a program dedicated to righting the wrongs of the modern school system. Today I'm going to start with a little peep on religion.

Firstly, if any one religion is the true religion, then why do so many religions claim as such? The answer: It's because the Smoufr that run the universe bio-engineered a paradox.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, you say, what the eff's a Smouf?

Simple: they're a specialized sect of thermonuclear weasels that decided one day that they didn't like how the world was going, and so decided to remake the universe in their image. As you can imagine, remaking a universe in the image of a thermonuclear weasel and making that image thermonuclear isn't very healthy for the general populace of the universe. So they reremade it back into a somewhat normal universe.

I'm the only one who knows the extent of the Smoufr (plural of Smouf) ways. Now whomever reads this at least knows of their existence. Beware of Smoufr. If you see one, get as far away from it as you possibly can. Then cover yourself in tinfoil. Then lock yourself in a trunk and swallow the key. You're now only probably dead.

Proper Grammar isn't that hard, kids

If you're going to spend the time writing something online, then you should at least spend some time to learn how to type. It's not that hard. There's 30-some odd essential keys without which you can't type. Taking shortcuts online hardly saves any time, and just make things more painful for others to read. Look, I'm not even 16 yet, and you'll never see a "u", "LOL", or "WTFLAZERBBQ" in anything I type.

10 Really really good reasons to at least attempt to write well:

1) Proper English is how English was intended to be used.
2) It's not difficult. Let me introduce you to spellcheck on Word.
3) You don't look like an ass afterwards.
4) You'll have so much of an easier time writing formally.
5) There is a difference between typing for a general audience and texting your buddies.
6) There's less awkwardness when someone important in your life finds out about your blog and reads it.
7) It's just... better.
8)You're obeying my command! Kneel before my awesome influence! Muahahahahaha!
... skip this point.
9) You get less flak from people like me!
10) As long as you try and use proper English, you'll at least be aware of what's wrong with the way you're writing.

Why Thermonuclear Weasel?

As we all know, every thing on the internet is either a meme, an inside joke, propaganda, or the crazed ravings of a lunatic. This is most likely all four. But why might I come up with something reminiscent of both a weapon of mass destruction and a cute and cuddly furry creature? Well, a few reasons.

Firstly, juxtaposition. Of course a small furry creature would be thermonuclear. Why not?

Secondly, nobody's going to mistake this blog for any other blog. Unless Iran has started experimenting with rodents, and even then I'd doubt this would be in English.

Thirdly, I made a joke the other night that somehow ended up being about irradiated weasels, and it's only a hop, skip, and a jump from irradiated to thermonuclear, so I figured I might as well.

Finally, the idea is just too darn cool to pass up.